I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
