his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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