Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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