no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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