There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
