I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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