I was born with a shot glass in my hand
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
