The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
