Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
