We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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