Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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