home. puking in laundry basket.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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