Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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