I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
