im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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