If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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