i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize