You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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