i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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