I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
