First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
