someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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