Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize