dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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