I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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