hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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