I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
