So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
