just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
