Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize