Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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