I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
