So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
This toilet bowl is my home.
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