The maid of honor just puked.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize