i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
