Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
