just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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