I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
