Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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