remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
