In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
