turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
