U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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