That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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