it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
