I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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