He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
