I will die if light touches me.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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