the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
