i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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