Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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