i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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