I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
