I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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