i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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