just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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