tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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