What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
