i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
