then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
