So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
