The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
