Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize