you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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